Size Matters
by firearms57
Summary: One-shot. Rowan and Aedion are hogging the bathroom. A competition of some sort. Lysandra doesn't care what they're doing. Nature calls.


"There is no way in hell that it's that long. It's not biologically possible." Aedion had his arms folded across his chest, desperately trying to convince himself that it wasimpossible. A slight doubt was niggling in the back of his mind despite his external confidence, telling him that he knew close to naught about human anatomy, andeven less about that of the Fae. Perhaps it was normal for the males to have a python squirming between their legs, in which case he couldn't help but feel a curl ofjealousy.

Rowan snorted, then seemed to read his thoughts. "You must not have paid attention during your lessons then. Just because you're in denial, it doesn't change thefact that nine inches is where I stand." Aedion felt a growl rising in his throat. Rowan was lying. He had to be. But there was nothing on the prince's face to indicatesuch, only a cocky smirk.

"Smug bastard," Aedion muttered.

Rowan laughed. "You got that right." Pine green met Ashryver blue. Rowan pushed himself off the wall, and Aedion tried not to show the annoyance he felt at having to look up slightly. The prince's smart-ass grin had grew into what looked like a snarl, baring his glistening canines. Aedion squelched down the desire to return the aggressive gesture, knowing he'd look like an idiot without any fangs of his own.

"Hey, do you guys want the cookies with chocolate chips, or without?" Lysandra's voice called from the kitchen.

Without breaking the stare, Aedion answered softly, "With."

"Without," Rowan growled, matching his tone.

"With."

"WITHOUT."

Aedion tensed, and was just about to lunge at the Fae warrior, when Lysandra came into the living room. "Would you guys make up your—oh," she groaned, throwing her hands up and turning right back the way she'd come. "This again. Please try to be careful. Mommy won't be here to watch you. Oh," she poked her head out from behind the kitchen doorway. "If one of you feels the need to crush my brand new pink teapot—because I know you will—than," she looked at her nails, grinned crazily, and held up her manicured hand for them to see, "these leopard claws are going to be the last thing you see before you visit the demon in Hell. That's all." She smiled sweetly and returned to her baking. Aedion shivered. "Sometimes, I think she's worse than Aelin."

Rowan was still looking at the doorway that Lysandra had disappeared into with a mixed expression of shock and horror. "That we can agree on."

Aedion decided it was time to return back to the subject at hand. "Then can we both agree that you're a lying bastard."

Rowan looked at him again with that predatory gleam. "Yes, we can. But only if we can also agree that this lying bastard has got a bigger dick than you."

"We'll see." Aedion's voice held all the unspoken promises and threats that were evident in Rowan's glowing eyes.

#

"Ha!" Rowan exclaimed. "I told you."

They were in the single bathroom of the house, a problem that many of the adopted family had complained about to their surrogate mother. Aelin had had enough of playing nanny, though, because she'd just about exploded when even Rowan started backing up the others. She'd rambled off on a broken tirade, saying things like "I should never have let any of you into my sacred hole, especially the men!" or "You're all a bunch of..." or "Aedion, you can take over my queenship to Terrasen right after I plunge this knife into my heart!" When she'd finally stopped to take a breath, and her red face had returned to its normal color, all the subsidiaries had let out a relieved sigh in unison. The wrath of the queen was not something to be taken lightly.

"No, you're hips are fatter. I get to stand here." Aedion took a step forward to "align their hips" which obviously he was not. Rowan growled. "Stop lying to yourself, Aedion. You know I beat you."

Aedion knew, despite his extensive rebuttals. Of course, just because he knew didn't mean he had to acknowledge it. "Nope. You've failed to look at a greatest part of this whole competition."

Rowan folded his arms in casual "Rowan-like" behavior. "And what's that?"

"The size difference."

"What? Isn't that what we were just doing?"

"No, no, no. Not that." He gestured generally to anything below the hip. "I meant us."

"How so?"

"You're taller than me. The ratio of my body mass to Aedion Jr.'s mass is obviously far superior to your own."

Rowan looked at him disbelievingly. "Body mass? What has this got to do with body mass? If you were three feet tall it wouldn't change the fact that I'm more well endowed than you are. And besides, you're logic doesn't make any sense. I'm barely an inch above you."

"Ah-ha. An inch more to add to the total length, which means that I beat you." "That's not how—"

Rowan was cut off by a harsh banging on the door. "Have the lovers' quarrel later!" Lysandra yelled. Her voice was muffled through the thick wood. "I gotta pee!"

"It can wait," Aedion answered evenly, pointing out to Rowan that his width far surpassed that of the prince.

"By the Wyrd, you males are insane," Lysandra muttered. "If you don't open this door, I swear I'll wake Aelin." Aedion and Rowan were silent for a few seconds, letting this grave statement sink in, than returned to their earlier argument. "Fuck it." She cracked her knuckles, neck, back, and every other limb that needed popping. Battle mode.

Rowan was in the middle of disproving Aedion's ridiculous logic, when the door burst into splinters. Dust clouds blossomed around the room, making it hard to see anything. Aedion closed his eyes and coughed, waving his hand in front of his face. Once the dust had settled, Aedion could see the large, spotted cat standing in middle of the room. The ghost leopard was still covered in woodchips, its teeth bared in a snarl, tail lashing furiously. Aedion squinted in the glare of the bright light that engulfed the animal. Lysandra stood in front of them, hands on hips, with a look that told him just what she thought of being denied the toilet. He wished the leopard was back. Blushing, he covered what he could with his hands.

"Out, now," she growled menacingly, a sound far scarier than anything he'd ever heard out of Rowan. Speaking of which, how was the prince faring under the intense scrutiny of the vulture? He glanced over, hoping to see some sign of embarrassment at the loss of vanity, but there was none. Aedion did a double take when he saw that Rowan was not naked, well not entirely.

"How did you...?" Rowan grinned, putting a hand into the pocket of his pants. "What?"

Lysandra looked at Aedion with renewed loathing. "Aedion, one question before I kill you. Why are you naked in the bathroom? With Rowan no less."

"Uh..." Lysandra eyed him suspiciously "Is there something I should know about?" She turned to Rowan. "Shall I tell Aelin you've come out of the closet?"

Aedion flushed scarlet. "No! Nothing like that! It was just...we...um—" While he floundered for words, Rowan just looked at the shapeshifter calmly, as if standing nude in the bathroom with his mate's cousin was completely normal. "Comparing munitions, is all." Then he walked out.

Aedion practically flew out the door behind him, catching the pants that Lysandra threw at his backside. "Aedion?!" Shit. Who woke the beast? Aedion slowly turned to face his cousin.

"Yes?" he asked, struggling to keep a straight face. "What are you doing naked in the hallway? You better not've sat in any of my chairs."

"I was...!" He looked helplessly at Rowan who had his arm around his mate protectively. The Fae merely shrugged, still wearing those gods-damned pants. "I was checking the stocks," he finally said, deciding to stick with Rowan's theme.

"'Comparing muntions?' 'Checking stock?' What's with all this army lingo?"

Aedion shrugged. "We're soldiers."

"That we are." Aelin suddenly looked thoughtful, her finger on her chin. She cocked her head, then looked down at enemy territory. Aedion had forgotten that he was bare, if that was even possible.

"You know," she mused. "I always thought you'd be bigger than Rowan...Guess I was wrong."

Aedion was mortified. Rowan gasped dramatically, placing a hand over his heart. "Have you so little faith in me, my lady?"

Aelin snorted. "Yeah. You've kept me waiting for so long. All this time you've been holding back, or so you say. But what if you're just scared of what I'll think of your miniscule attributes?" She pointed an accusing finger at his chest, flashing that beautiful smile of hers.

"I could prove you wrong. Right now." Rowan's eyes had gone a little bit dark. Aelin rested her frame against his chest, forcably wrapping his arms around her. "As delightful as that would be," she said in a low, husky voice that had even Aedion shifting uncomfortably, "we still have guests in this house. Wouldn't want to disturb their sleep, now would we?"

Rowan shuddered when she trailed a finger down his torso. "O-kay," Aedion said, holding up his hands. "I thought I was being immodest, being naked and all, but you just proved me wrong. I think I'm going to go now." Aedion winged to his room, slamming the door behind him.

As his door shut, the bathroom door opened. Lysandra came out, breathing deeply. "Ah, fresh air. Oh, Aelin, been meaning to tell you. Someone keeps bombing the bathroom. Haven't figured out who the culprit is, but I've narrowed it down to either Rowan or Chaol." Aelin laughed, stepping out of Rowan's embrace to hug her friend, much to his displeasure. "Lys, you were the last one at the scene of the crime. You've got to tell me, what were Rowan and Aedion doing in there?"

"Hmm, what? Oh. Seeing whose penis is longer," she said as she yawned and stretched her arms over her head. "You know, I always thought Aedion would be bigger than Rowan."

She might've muttered something like "Might be a problem" but Aelin couldn't be sure.

Rowan growled. "What's with everyone? Do you all think I'm still a babe with genitals the size of my fingernail?" "Oh, hush," Aelin scolded. "Save your dirty talk for the bedroom."

"Or with Aedion," Lysandra added. The two giggled, no better than school girls. They linked arms, leaving behind a furious, but wonderfully shirtless, Fae prince and a shamefaced warrior without the confidence to exit his cave. The wonder work of women.


End file.
